Want

(verb) to desire, to wish for

When I was about 15 I had a fantasy where I had a really good guy friend who knew everything about me and also struggled with same-sex attraction. It was a complicated one. He was kinda needy and I would help him through some tough times. (cringe, cause now i’m older I can diagnose myself). Interestingly I would never have to tell him I had feelings for guys, because one night while we were sleeping an angel would come and take us both to a well-lit and peaceful location and the angel would tell us we both liked guys and we could support each other. (embarrased laughter).

I see the desire for closeness and being known in that fantasy and in the past year I have experienced both. But they weren’t necessarily everything I thought they would be. I’m not saying it wasn’t good and healthy to experience these things; just that they didn’t fill empty places like I imagined they would when I was 15. Being close to people is great but there is a lot more expectation and room for failure in a close friendship. Also I started going to a group where there’s about 10 guys around the age of 20 who deal with same-sex attraction stuff and it has also been great. It is nice to say to someone, “I told my parents about a year ago,” and know by their reaction that they understand lots of the emotions and thoughts that go with that. But when I was 15 I would have guessed knowing someone who also struggled would have been a massive help, but it has only been helpful.

More recently I wanted to become a man. Not that I am not already a man. But I wanted to be a RAH RAH RAH MAN. I wanted to take more responsibility, be more assertive, be more disciplined etc. And it was going great until I had to start putting this stuff into practise. I accidently scrapped a car in a car park with my car and the bill came back for $660. My Dad offered to pay for it, but being a MAN I thought I should do the manly thing and cough up the cash. Also a lot of people have silly ideas and now as a man I felt I should lovingly correct some of them. This was not much fun. Also people would start asking me lose-lose questions. Lose if you don’t answer, lose more if you do. I think Grandpa’s dressing up like teenagers look silly, but I get where they’re coming from. It’s easy being a boy.

I’m not disillusioned that what I thought I wanted didn’t fill me in the ways I thought it would. I was old enough to know it probably wouldn’t. But I guess I still have this childish desire to be whisked away to never-never land and party like it’s 2006, hold on it is…