Betray

(verb) to be disloyal to

 

It wouldn’t be an understatement to say one of the most hurtful things to happen in my life occurred this year. I still remember the February day I found out. I was at the train station with a mate after a day in Melbourne and he said, “I know about the um..that.” So it turned out that behind my back some of my high school friends had found out that I struggled with same-sex attraction, because other people I had told; told them. The worst thing in my perspective was that some people had known for months, and never said anything to me. And people who I thought might have told me about what was happening didn’t.

 

It hurt heaps. I guess I understood the reasons why they did it. Mainly because they “thought they should know,” which frustrated me because I wasn’t against telling people. And secondly it’s hypocrisy because they didn’t/don’t use the same standard with themselves. I don’t see a need to tell everyone, and it wouldn’t be helpful to tell some people. Especially non-Christians who would (and did) express puzzlement and offer to help me find a boyfriend. I also only really wanted to tell people I could trust and where it would be helpful for both of us.

 

Another thing that frustrated me in the whole thing was that when I tried to find out what actually happened, to get to the bottom of it all, people weren’t very helpful. I did want to find out who told who and why, because it hurt so much and I was in disbelief that it happened. Then people were blaming me for it. Saying I should have told more people, I was never going to tell people, you’re ashamed about it so we thought we’d help. Then people I hadn’t told were hurt I didn’t tell them, which I guess showed how much they invested in our friendship.

 

‘Cause it hurt so much I probably lost perspective in the whole thing. I’m sure there were things I contributed to the whole situation. One of them was that there was some tension with me witnessing to people beforehand. I’m sure I did the wrong things in other areas but I can’t figure them out.

 

The whole thing has made me a bit apathetic about friendships. They’re nice, that’s for sure. But the potential for hurt is heaps. I don’t consider myself a very emotional person, but the amount of emotion I felt when I found out showed me I did care a lot about these friendships. I also have less expectations from people now, which perhaps is a good thing, it if goes well that’s great-if it doesn’t; oh well. It has also made me aware I need to try to help educate people about same-sex attraction. Part of the reason they must have been able to tell other people and then not tell me is that they do not understand what a big deal it was at the time for me. (Not so much now). What it means to tell people after all the years of private struggle and pain.

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5 thoughts on “Betray

  1. I’m a gay christian too.  You said that you don’t mind people knowing, and that is incredibly mature, so what you have to do now is realize that their betrayal is not something that should affect your life.  Being upset is not effective in any way.  What you need is to remember your goal in life which is to live as Christ lived.  See their faults and realize that they are human.  In response to that you should focus on being the best person that You can be, by forgiving them, and continuing on in the joy that Christ loves you as well as so many different people I’m sure. 
    As for the whole, homosexuality being a sin thing, talk to me about that some time if you want.  I’m christian before I am gay, but I’ve studied it and prayed about it for years on end, and I’ve realized that discussion is one of the best ways to feel more secure in yourself. 

  2. Yes, cats definitely taste like chicken. So many people say it, it must be true! As for your post… yeah, betrayal sucks. This semester I found out about a whole load of gossiping that had been going on behind my back. It was pretty painful, because it involved people who were supposed to be leaders within the Christian community, and acted like they liked me when I was around, but hated on me when I was gone. Granted, it wasn’t as painful as it must have been with you. Eventually, I realized that I was guilty of the same stuff to a lesser degree… nonetheless, the same stuff. Sin. Sin sucks, because it sucks us in.I’ve had some friends deal with homosexuality, and I pray you’ll be able to persevere in your quest to become more and more sanctified. Avoid deception that says sin is ok, and pursue God.and now that I, a complete stranger, have left a huge comment… I’ll get my butt outta here.

  3. I admire you, Chris. You stick to your principles in this matter. I understand what you mean about apathy towards the concept of friendship. It is incredibly easy to do — trying to care little enough about friendships so that any breach in trust in but a small scratch — but as you might have read on my Xanga recently, I reflect on the meaning of friendship as well as the implications of having them, or not having them, or seeing them in a poor light, etc. You’re right: they’re wonderful to have, but that is provided that they work well in one’s favor, which, apparently, they have not always in your case. Neither have they in mine. But we grow. Muscles tear before rebuilding. With the Daily Exercise of a Watchful Heart and the Protein Milkshake of Careful Trust, I am sure you will rebuild the Muscles of Good Friendships once again. …I like stupid analogies.

  4. Thanks bro for being real…I really appreciate your transparency. Merry Christmas my friend, Casey

  5. I also appreciate you for sharing this very tough and painful part of your life.   Not everyone will treat you the way these friends did,  there are people, Christians who will respect, care for you, and it won’t hurt.   And you are right there are people who just don’t understand the gravity of your struggle.   Keep pursuing Christ and the freedom from sin that He brings to our lives.    Merry Christmas!
    Blessings,
    Lonnie 

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