(verb) to be disloyal to
It wouldn’t be an understatement to say one of the most hurtful things to happen in my life occurred this year. I still remember the February day I found out. I was at the train station with a mate after a day in Melbourne and he said, “I know about the um..that.” So it turned out that behind my back some of my high school friends had found out that I struggled with same-sex attraction, because other people I had told; told them. The worst thing in my perspective was that some people had known for months, and never said anything to me. And people who I thought might have told me about what was happening didn’t.
It hurt heaps. I guess I understood the reasons why they did it. Mainly because they “thought they should know,” which frustrated me because I wasn’t against telling people. And secondly it’s hypocrisy because they didn’t/don’t use the same standard with themselves. I don’t see a need to tell everyone, and it wouldn’t be helpful to tell some people. Especially non-Christians who would (and did) express puzzlement and offer to help me find a boyfriend. I also only really wanted to tell people I could trust and where it would be helpful for both of us.
Another thing that frustrated me in the whole thing was that when I tried to find out what actually happened, to get to the bottom of it all, people weren’t very helpful. I did want to find out who told who and why, because it hurt so much and I was in disbelief that it happened. Then people were blaming me for it. Saying I should have told more people, I was never going to tell people, you’re ashamed about it so we thought we’d help. Then people I hadn’t told were hurt I didn’t tell them, which I guess showed how much they invested in our friendship.
‘Cause it hurt so much I probably lost perspective in the whole thing. I’m sure there were things I contributed to the whole situation. One of them was that there was some tension with me witnessing to people beforehand. I’m sure I did the wrong things in other areas but I can’t figure them out.
The whole thing has made me a bit apathetic about friendships. They’re nice, that’s for sure. But the potential for hurt is heaps. I don’t consider myself a very emotional person, but the amount of emotion I felt when I found out showed me I did care a lot about these friendships. I also have less expectations from people now, which perhaps is a good thing, it if goes well that’s great-if it doesn’t; oh well. It has also made me aware I need to try to help educate people about same-sex attraction. Part of the reason they must have been able to tell other people and then not tell me is that they do not understand what a big deal it was at the time for me. (Not so much now). What it means to tell people after all the years of private struggle and pain.