Where

“Where did I go wrong?” How to Save a Life – The Fray.

About eight months ago I was probably a totally different person in some areas of my life. I was into the Bible, liked to read about Christian thinking, was fighting sin hard in my life and being lax in my studies. Now I’m not into my Bible, not heaps interested in Christian thinking and not fighting sin hard in my life. And I’m not totally sure why.

 

I guess part of me wants there to be something so dramatic that it helps soothe my conscience or a day I can point to as where I went off the rails. I can still remember sitting on the porch at the support group thing I was in doing this accountability thing and being up to about 50 days masturbation and porn free. And then the next night or so I fell and here I am. Though at the time I was aware of creeping feelings of distance from God and a new job that was taking up thoughts and mental energy I hadn’t used before.

 

Now I’m trying to fight again and it’s hard. Six months of stupidity takes it’s toll and it’s not as easy to say ‘no’ now, then it was when I had been fighting full on for a while. I was lying in bed last night trying to find some reason, some issue I haven’t been dealing with that caused my fall. And honestly it probably isn’t there. It’s possibly more about the modern need for excitement, big events and melodrama then taking the long and slow walk and obedience. I guess it’s a good illustration of 1 Cointhians 12:10 “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall”.

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Well I was going to do an entry about how I’m intending to blog sometime again in the future, and then suddenly I was in the mood to blog, so here I am blogging, and writing alarmingly long sentences. My editor wouldn’t like that, but he won’t be editing this.

 

I’m listening to the new Missy Higgins CD, she is BIG in Australia. It’s good stuff. She’s got this great song called “Where I stood” kind of melancholy thinking music.

I dont know what i’ve done,

Or if i like what i’ve begun
But something told me to run…

There were sounds in my head

Little voices whispering

That i should go and this should end

Oh and i found my self listening

Cause i dont know who i am,

who i am without you.”

 

I’m enjoying my newspapering at the moment. Our new editor, who isn’t new anymore, shook things up a bit and gave me some more responsibility so now I kind of edit the real estate and farming sections of the paper. (Edit as in decide what goes in and on what pages). I like organising and balancing where stuff should go then actually writing. In this weeks newspaper I had a story on the permit process for a rabbit farm, did the vox pops, a couple stories on the local non-response to climate change, did real estate, story on some New Zealand dairy students visiting the local milk factory, a couple of other farming tings, something about the industrial estate and took photos of 11 businesses for an advertising feature.

 

I need to improve some things in my life at the moment. It’s hard and I’m not as willing as I should be.

 

Oh yeah the guy I mentioned ages ago that I was living with who I kind of ended up with a crush on, well I was reading his myspace page recently and it turns out he is bi. I don’t know what I think about that. Only that if things had have been different back then maybe I could have been more help. A lot of things probably should have been different.