SOMETIMES I feel like I don’t connect well with other people in person. Like somehow there is a wall between me and them. Yesterday I interviewed a man about auctioneering so we talked for 20 minutes and today I went to the cattle market to get some pictures of people auctioning, well cattle. He came over and said, ‘hi Chris, how you going?’ And he was warm and friendly with positive body language. I thought, somewhere below the conscious level, ‘hmm he’s okay with me’.
But I couldn’t think, still subconsciously, of what to say or do that would communicate that I was positive about him as well. So I mumbled a question I forgot from yesterday and felt like a dweeb.
Later I was in the office at my computer and my editor was at his computer about seven metres away and no one else was in that workspace. He says to me, ‘I’m having real trouble working this afternoon’. And I was blank as how to respond. My editor is one of t-h-o-s-e guys. Warm, funny, relaxed, confident and manly. He has his faults as well, obviously. Often he leaves me feeling blank or saying something dweebish.
Now you probably see that when I said other people the only examples I’ve provided are a certain type of manly person though it does happen with females as well. But if I’m in a good mood and happen to be with a certain type of moderately outgoing female I can – if I do say so myself – be charming and talkative and so on. Even then though, I still have problems sealing the deal and moving beyond superficial, frothy conversation into deeper friendship stuff.
So anyway I’ve read that friendships with straight men are the way to go to help deal with SSA/GDD/SGS/TYN, but I have trouble getting past step one: reciprocation. Any tips?
IN early September there is a weekend ‘retreat’ for young men dealing with Same Sex Attraction (or whatever is the correct evangelical term for it). I have the four page application form, which right near the top says you (I) must tell and a parent/pastor you’re (I’m) going to the ‘retreat,’ so they can pray for you (me). There’s also a space left for a phone number so the organisers can contact someone to check on my suitability to attend.
I’m at my parents for this weekend, and just before I was going to ask them to be praying and to get approval to put their number on the form. Then I felt my stomach tighten and the nerves increase and I thought, ‘maybe I should ask them later’ and left it. The thing is they know about my issues and all that. They would probably (well, almost certainly) be willing to pray or whatever. But I guess that’s not the cause of my reluctance. Argh.
So why? Well, maybe, disappointment in myself for my laziness in the battle. Maybe I still feel ashamed that part of me isn’t the way it should be, which I think is definitely something that affects my dealings more with my parents than others. For example a mate, my age, asked me on Monday if I ‘liked women’ yet and I was comfortable giving him an honest and informative answer. Maybe I don’t want any awkward questions asked in the weirdest ways. (How are you going with that thing that you go to that place for?)
It’s another uncomfortable reminder that I’m not entirely comfortable with that fact that this is where I am; this (SSA) is what I need to deal with. I could go a week, a month, without seriously considering it, but the times I do, especially in relation to other people, makes me go weird. Anyway I’ll ask them sometime.
A couple of years ago I was doing occasional preaching at my parent’s church and I decided to do some speaking on the book of James. I liked James, because here was a guy who seemed to be full of practical advice. It would be relatively easy to preach out of, because of this, and the fact I wouldn’t need to know lots of theology.
In a couple of chapters James is talking about works and how faith without works is dead. The first time I preached on this subject I was like ‘faith without works is dead’ then emphasising all the things our we, as Christian , should be doing.
The second time my focus changed. Somewhere I came to see that while faith without works is dead. Works without faith is also dead. And that more faith should lead to more works. I thought maybe the reason we don’t do many is works isn’t just a matter of disobedience, but also because of a lack of desire, because of we don’t know God as we could.
I think if someone loves God more and has a greater appreciation for who he is; both in the head and the heart. They are more like to do what he wants them to do. I know this to be true for myself. Sometimes when I feel close to God his commandments are not at all burdensome. Other times they feel like weights, but usually this is when i am focusing on the ‘rules’ instead of the Rulegiver.
One day I will write an interesting (hopefully) blog about something more important then posts such as the last one and this one. But I need to trust xanga again. Whatever I mean by that.
Anyway this post is about something that annoys me and fascinates me. It seems a lot of people (four or so) are interested in what I do on nights after work. Like seriously people ask me this kind of thing. As if what I do must be really interesting. Then i feel like it should be more interesting then what it is. The answer is exercise/bike ride/ stretch/dumbbells, cook tea, then internet time, chat to people on the internet, perhaps listen to a sermon podcast and then be in bed by about 10.30pm for work the next day.
If I had been more proactive the answer should be exercise, play tennis in a competition, go to a small group, cook and maybe another group or something. Maybe I would feel better saying that. But i’m not sure what people expect me to say. Am I meant to be doing something really interesting and exciting? I know plenty of people who waste (ahem use) their nights like me; some people even watch t-e-l-e-v-i-s-i-o-n.
At night I would (occasionally) like to do indepth study and reading of things biblical, but after staring at a computer all day, thinking and reading. It’s not easy to concentrate. Once I even considered getting another job, but I didn’t like that idea either. If I write anymore I will be rambling; so this is the end.
I preferred Hancock to The Dark Knight (Batman). Hancock was fun, entertaining and I left the cinema with a smile on my face. I left The Dark Knight puzzled as to why this film was causing so much excitement. On Rotten Tomatoes right now Hancock is on 34% to The Dark Knight’s 94%. Sure it was well acted and made, but I felt it lacked something in the storyline. (Actually, my favourite reviewer Jim Schembri from the age has rated Hancock three and a half stars to three stars for The Dark Knight)
Sometimes at the movies my mind wanders and I start to think about my own life. It’s like the movie is pushing me to apply a narrative to myself. Neither of these films did that. No film has done that for me in a while. Maybe i’ve changed or filmmaking has got worse…Or perhaps both; because films are definitely worse. Often it’s possible to read the and not see any in the listings that are worth seeing.
Anyway The Dark Knight’s 94% I don’t get that. It was long and predictable and didn’t seem to attribute many desires and drivers to it’s characters that tied me to them and therefore I didn’t really care when a lot of them died. SPOILER ALERT: And just about everybody was dying.
So there was some profoundity I pulled out of The Dark Knight. The joker represents relativism and the whatever attitude. He didn’t really care about what he did or who he did it to or really anything so he could do anything. That is scary. But I think there’s more and more people like that. “Whatever” is bad. It’s impossible to reason with “whatever” to influence “whatever”. It’s just there and annoying.
Okay so enough rambling; I am just trying to get back into blogging.