This is so bizarre I can hardly believe it….
I was at the P*lanetshak-ers Church in Melbourne, a friend of mine goes there, when they had their big sending away prayer for him as he moved back to his home city to be with his family. All these young Christians pouring their hearts out in prayer; people crying yada yada. I’ll tell you he looked sick and his wife was there as well.
There’s nothing really I can say about it that hasn’t been said on other blogs. But thinking about it does my head in.
SELF pity calls to me. I wake up early and get ready for work and feel fine. Then it’s 11am and I’ve spent a couple of hours in a stuffy, overly warm office in front of a computer and I feel lethargic and sluggish (yes I know those words mean the same thing). Then self-pity calls to me. It says, ‘Chris you deserve better than this’. And the spiral begins and by 1pm it’s a drudge just to do any work and 5pm is still FOUR WHOLE HOURS away. Argh.
So I want someone to like me, and rationally they do I guess, but I feel like I want more respect or something. Self-pity calls to me. Then I’m like, ‘Aha well if they don’t like me; I’ll make them hate me’. And get an attitude and want to act stand offish. Later I think, ‘well if I want them to like me why don’t I try to get them to like me? And talk heaps, tell stories, make jokes, work hard etc’. But I remember the new kid at school in Grade 6 who wanted to be liked too much and his desperation just got him labeled as weird and insecure. So I just try to act myself, be normal yada yada, but I wish it felt normal to act normal
I know that self pity is irrational, childish and I say, ‘Chris snap out of it’. But I still feel exactly the same way afterwards. So I don’t snap out of it. Then it’s 5pm and I go home. The air is fresh and cool and beautiful. I go on a decent bike ride and when I return I eat good food. But, someday soon, self-pity will call to me again.
I WHINGE here so much; I should probably write something when i’m happy and relatively content. haha. So it’s August and the days are warmer and longer. I can get a decent bike ride in after work due to the day’s extended opening hours. Also It’s fun, and warm enough, to stand in the rain again and watch the trees and the grass be refreshed. And there was a beautiful big, truely massive, rainbow at the end of the street as I walked home tonight.
But it’s not just the weather. Recently I have had those moments when you realise that progress and improvement has been made. It’s in my writing at work and though there’s more important things to improve in, it is something. I can make my stories flow better then they did six months ago and I can see this improvement. Then this gives me confidence and other things improve as well.
There’s simple things as well. I’ve been reading out loud a bit lately to help with my articulation and expression and it has been helping. What I do is stick a news paper page to a mirror and then read a story out loud. Easy, but effective. And it probably doesn’t really help that much, but just gives me some confidence.
Anticipation also helps. I’m anticipating a good weekend and that makes the week easier. Except being happy is tiring. It’s like 8.49pm and I want to go to bed.
At high school, it was year 8 or something, and a mate said to me that another guy didn’t want to go to his sleepover because I was going and I was a snob. At the time I was surprised/hurt, and consoled myself that I was just shy. But, realization, sometimes I am a snob.
At work people say my name in conversation and I just ignore it. Like last week the sports reporter and the editor were talking. I was working at my computer in the same room. They were having a friendly, jocular conversation and you know how sometimes people just say your name to draw you in. Well the sports reporter said “Chris something”. Not to me, but so I would hear and I pretended I didn’t hear it. Why? Well I was trying to show I wasn’t eavesdropping, but then I ignored something I should have heard. Snob, I thought.
It’s weird how sometimes I have “realizations” about things that should have been obvious all along. It seems to happen a lot. I’ll think about something and for some reason 2 + 2 will equal 4 in a particular moment and wallah. I feel stupid.
Anyway so trying not to be a snob in ways I now realize are snobbish didn’t begin so well. A work mate asked me to lunch and then go play some golf thing, and I was like ‘uh’. Then I couldn’t decide whether to go or not. Then I said ‘no’. Why? Well because I wanted to have a day of freedom after a busy few weeks or so. So I guess selfishness. Later I also felt like a ‘snob’ because I said ‘no’ and wished I had have said ‘yes’.
To make up for this I decided I had to go to church instead. (I haven’t been going to any churches in the town where I work, but going to my old church every second weekend or so when I stay at my parents). I went and then someone, okay three people, asked me to go to their youth service tonight. And not being a snob I said ‘maybe’ and then later decided to. So I went and it was okay. They sang one of my favourite Hillsong’s To know your name and the guy speaking works on the rival newspaper, so that was interesting to hear. I avoided after service chit chat, which promised to be awkward and involve lots of shouting considering the likely sound level of the music video. But otherwise it was a good step out of snobbishness.