SELF pity calls to me. I wake up early and get ready for work and feel fine. Then it’s 11am and I’ve spent a couple of hours in a stuffy, overly warm office in front of a computer and I feel lethargic and sluggish (yes I know those words mean the same thing). Then self-pity calls to me. It says, ‘Chris you deserve better than this’. And the spiral begins and by 1pm it’s a drudge just to do any work and 5pm is still FOUR WHOLE HOURS away. Argh.
So I want someone to like me, and rationally they do I guess, but I feel like I want more respect or something. Self-pity calls to me. Then I’m like, ‘Aha well if they don’t like me; I’ll make them hate me’. And get an attitude and want to act stand offish. Later I think, ‘well if I want them to like me why don’t I try to get them to like me? And talk heaps, tell stories, make jokes, work hard etc’. But I remember the new kid at school in Grade 6 who wanted to be liked too much and his desperation just got him labeled as weird and insecure. So I just try to act myself, be normal yada yada, but I wish it felt normal to act normal
I know that self pity is irrational, childish and I say, ‘Chris snap out of it’. But I still feel exactly the same way afterwards. So I don’t snap out of it. Then it’s 5pm and I go home. The air is fresh and cool and beautiful. I go on a decent bike ride and when I return I eat good food. But, someday soon, self-pity will call to me again.