Update

Well today i’m home sick with a yucky cold that leads to spontaneous coughing fits. It’s only the second day off i’ve had in two years; so that’s not too shabby. So now I have time to write on this here xanga, but not really too  much to write about. I guess that means i’m having a middle of the road moment where i’m  just pretty content with nothing bothering me too much one way or another. Except for sporadic coughing, which was old before it started.

I have made enquiries about finding a counsellor near where I live. So that is progress. The other weekend I went to a retreat and seminar for people dealing with same sex attraction. It had some good moments. Overall I felt it was a real encouragement to be with other people who deal with similar kinds of issues and so forth. I didn’t really learn much. But I came away excited to continue the fight and to take the next steps.

I feel like people don’t really want to understand SSA. Like even my close Christian friends. It’s like it’s still some kind of dirty problem they can’t get too close to. Well that’s what it feels like. In reality maybe I just make any conversation about it awkward. One of my best Christian mates often uses homosexuality as an example of some negative point he needs to make. Occasionally I wonder if he’s actually doing it to send me a message of some sort. The thing is whatever he is saying is technically correct. It’s just the fact it’s always this issue he uses as example that annoys me.

When I got back from the retreat I was a bit teary and drained. It was Father’s Day in Australia and I needed my washed clothes so I stopped in at the parents. A couple of days later I got a letter from them in the mail. It was a surprise. They had each handwritten letters saying stuff like sorry and how they loved me and how they wanted to help me anyway they could. It was healing and I was glad they were willing to engage the issues.

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Battle

I’ve written this before. Maybe I’ve written it more than twice. But I always feel like I’m fighting the same battles. Again and again. I’m not going go through today’s chapter 9; take 27 event, except that to say it wasn’t about a clear cut sinful issue. Though it did get me thinking.

 

’cause the thing is I’m tired of dealing with the same emotional crap again and again, and being in the same place with that crap, but I’m not doing anything about it. And the question I’m wondering is: how do I ever except anything to change if I don’t change it? Why do I have this pie in the sky thinking that hopes eventually I’ll just wake up one morning clean without having to do a bit of work? Why do I feel this strongly now; but probably won’t in a few hours time when I’m lying in bed tonight and having a bit of trouble getting to sleep because I haven’t masturbated?

 

Argh.

 

I’m better than this.