Battle

I’ve written this before. Maybe I’ve written it more than twice. But I always feel like I’m fighting the same battles. Again and again. I’m not going go through today’s chapter 9; take 27 event, except that to say it wasn’t about a clear cut sinful issue. Though it did get me thinking.

 

’cause the thing is I’m tired of dealing with the same emotional crap again and again, and being in the same place with that crap, but I’m not doing anything about it. And the question I’m wondering is: how do I ever except anything to change if I don’t change it? Why do I have this pie in the sky thinking that hopes eventually I’ll just wake up one morning clean without having to do a bit of work? Why do I feel this strongly now; but probably won’t in a few hours time when I’m lying in bed tonight and having a bit of trouble getting to sleep because I haven’t masturbated?

 

Argh.

 

I’m better than this.

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5 thoughts on “Battle

  1. First, thank you for this honest post.   These are the kinds of posts I have to wait for from you guys, because if I say this is what struggler’s all deal with, and confront it, many of you guys (not you in particular) write me off as a “know it all” who doesn’t know them at all.  But I do know that the way you’ve dealt with your ‘battles’, as you say, is pretty much the way we’ve all dealt with them to begin with, and I know that because it’s the way I dealt with my ‘battles’, in the beginning.   Second, what do you think the battle really is?   Is it sexual attraction or is it seated deeper in your emotional self?   What do you think you can do about this, and what change do you think you can make?   Third, where does God fit into all of this?   What is God’s part and what is your part?   Clearly you’ve been expecting God to “wave His hand”, or “speak” your struggle, with your gender identity, out of your life.   So what are some first steps you think you could take with God to get going in the right direction? Fourth, do you really want me to speak to this, or are you just wanting to express your frustration over the whole thing?….If it’s the latter, I’ll offer words that are as kind as I can muster, but which have no real meaning, value, or hope.   Course you can also just ignore me, and that will work as well.  BP    

  2. @Such_Were_You – Thanks for the long comment, BP. I’ll answer each question one at a time.2. For me the real battle is emotional; that’s what bothers me. Some of the SSA issues are linked to these, but even if I didn’t suffer from it i’d still be screwed up emotionally, I think. What can I do about this? Well I guess I need to deal with it. Don’t numb it with sin or food, so the real issues surface and I can face them. Feel the pain, for example sometimes I feel ashamed, but i’ve never really felt it so much that i know where it came from and what it means. Realise that I am broken and take steps with other people and by thinking it through myself and with God about some of the ways my mind works. Do the right thing and the hard thing.3. I don’t expect God to wave his hand or speak. This is part of my problem; right now I have more information about what to do then I am following. It’s more I am not willing to take the steps then that I expect God to do anything when I won’t. I think the steps I need to take with God are fall into his grace and seek to follow his commands. And as I do this other issues will surface and I can deal with them. Read the Bible and get to know God better again, to trust him more again.4. Yes, I do want you to speak to this.

  3. @Chrisjb7 – Okay, let me explain the first steps I took to get into sync with God, and move forward.   First I recognized that  I could not change myself.   I’d tried, and it never worked for me.  I understand it does work for some folks, but I don’t honestly believe that for most of us it ever really does.    Second I knew something you don’t, from a naturalistic psychological perspective the sexual side of things appears to be fairly firmly set….That’s why you have to appeal to God and His supernatural abilities.  Third, become reliant upon God and His word.  Specifically, sit with God in prayer, and tell Him, exactly where you are right now.  Speak out everything you’ve said in this post, and the other things you haven’t.   You are in a rut right now.   Seek, God, speak to Him the way you’d speak to me, and let it all hang out.   Then ask God for specific Scriptures that He wants to give you which will enable you to be free from the control of the sexual stuff.  Find those scriptures and put them up in a place where you can’t miss them each morning…memorize these Scriptures, and when tempted, say only the Scriptures…do not argue in any other way with the temptation….Let God’s word be the only answer you give.    When you fight with God’s word then God is the one who controls the outcome of the fight.   Your flesh/demonic entity will have to argue with God, and you’re out of the loop.  Every time you fight the battle you end up losing,  when God fights the battle for you He can’t lose. Fourth invite God into the inner rooms of your heart.   You won’t have to ask more than once!   Allow Him to begin bringing up the emotional crap that’s really been holding you captive.   Let it take you.   It’s going to hurt, and you are going to be disoriented and very sensitive.  Let God do it.   Keep up the dialogue with God.   Say whatever you’re feeling to Him, no matter how bad you think what you are saying might be.   God isn’t some wishy washy, pious, prig.   He knows that what He’s doing is hurting you, but like a doctor He knows what’s got to be done, and hurts you out of a love for the whole man.  Fifth, stop beating yourself up.   You keep using the same excuse, whether you speak it out loud or not.  You keep telling yourself that you are just not worth the trouble.    It doesn’t matter whether or not you are worthy.  God has placed upon you the worth of His Son.   You are made worthy by God Himself.   Now I get really personal:   Chris you are a handsome, smart, creative, sensitive, incredibly worth while, young man.  God created you beautiful, but you’ve allowed all of that to become twisted.   You want to know the greatest sin of the person who struggles with SSA??   Our greatest sin is we’ve allowed ourselves to be dragged into this sinful condition by how we’ve allowed the world around us to devalue us.   Our perception of what value others place upon us, or our perception of how we think they must view us.   You’ve never allowed the person God created you to be to come through all of the emotional pain, and nonsense, because you still think you’re just not worth it.    All of the sexual stuff is an attempt to take from other men the value you see in them, and apply it to yourself.  illicit sex doesn’t bring value to us, it actually steals value from us.    Your other focused sexuality is based on the need for valuation.   When you own that before God, and let Him call you son, then you’ll find that you want to escape where you are.   Admit when I said, “Chris, you are a handsome, smart, creative, sensitive, incredibly worth while young man,”  that you felt or even said something like “no I’m not….” That’s what you felt isn’t it?   That’s how you always feel.  You almost never let it come to the surface, but it’s the truth at the core of your being.    If you are feeling tears well up, and you’re trying to push them down…stop it!    Forget about what has been in the past and plead with God to help you into the future.  Chew on all of that and let me know when you’re ready to process more.   Got an email address? BP 

  4. @Such_Were_You – Thanks Lonnie for these words of wisdom. Lots to chew on but it is an ongoing process that demands hard work and commitment. The end result of following through all these steps ( although not a magic formula) is Christlikeness and becoming the person He has called us to be. In the midst of it, there is pain but the end result makes it worth it.For me the hardest part is that relational connection with the other non ssa guys. It is still hard to figure them out and vice versa. Most of the time, they haven’t dealt with stuff that comes along their way in such a deep way and they seem to be content to stay at a superficial level.What are some of the pros and cons of being in a men’s group?

  5. @tommyclc – For us, right now, I’m not sure if there are that many pros.   When you’ve got a room full of guys who are all doing things which take the focus away from their weaknesses and un-masculine characteristics, there’s not much to do.   Go to a few cookouts, enjoy what you can of outings to sporting events and fishing.    It’s when there are men who are willing to be vulnerable that you begin to see that they are not any different from you.  Yeah, that’s right all those guys around you aren’t really any different from you.  They too struggle with who they are as men.    When you can get with men who are being real then it’s amazing how much your perspective changes.   Does that make sense?BP 

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