Time

I shed tears the night I
told him about my SSA. Back in 05/06 telling people hadn’t gone so well for me
and there was some pain and betrayal in all that, which I’ve blogged on
previously. He was/is my best mate; we are similar in good ways (passionate,
driven, thinkers, questioners) and bad ways (head strong, critical, insular).
He’s probably the person I’d most want to spend time with and have the best
flowing conversations with. We’d gone to the same school since Year 7 and had
been almost instant friends.

I told him via email or
instant messenger in the middle of 06 about my SSA. He was s.h.o.c.k.e.d as I
expected he would be.
In the days that followed I got like 10 emails from him about his thoughts and
what I could be doing. Ouch. In the two years since we haven’t talked about it
that much. Sometimes he’ll ask me how that part of my life is going, but it
doesn’t get too deep. Though it’s obvious he’s aware when I talk about my
struggles of porn and masturbation it’s not ’cause I’m thinking about the
ladies.

Anyway on the weekend we
went deep on this stuff. It was probably one of the most honest conversations,
voice to voice, I’ve ever had with anyone. Praise God. I talked about my
temptations, my thinking patterns when tempted and how my SSA works out in
being attracted to specific individual or types of men. And he listened and
didn’t say anything weird in response. I guess God’s been working in both of us
since August 06 when tears were shed and emails were sent. What a gift that I
have someone in my life, real life, I can tell anything to.

And
it is more valuable because of the two years it took to reach this point and
the awkwardness and pain as well that came about when SSA came into our friendship.

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5 thoughts on “Time

  1. Thank you for sharing from your heart. Many people have experienced the same feelings of awkwardness and pain, as you described, You are fortunate to have a good friend who is willing to walk with you along this often difficult journey.

  2. I told my best buddy in May…sort of gave a window into this area of my life and it feels similar to your situation.  Our friendship has turned somewhat awkward and now when we talk it isn’t brought up.  When I think about it, it cuts me deep, but also I think I did the right thing.  Nobody said being friends would be easy.  I’m hoping that wemy buddy and I  can have a conversation that you have had with your friend in the near future.   Thanks for sharing!

  3. @smith_drew – and @chrisjb7: Similarly I have a particular friend with whom I’ve shared a lot, who is also now a pastor.  He has also struggled in his life.  Sometimes we don’t mention our struggle at all.  But sometimes we acknowledge that we need to talk about it and get some support, encouragement or accountability.  I’ve had other friends over the years with whom I’ve shared, and with some it’s never been mentioned again, but “knowing that they know” has been helpful in some cases.  In other cases I wish I hadn’t told them.  Still, one learns these things through experience and further maturity.  Both of you have taken good steps to share with someone.  You grow through these experiences, and the Lord increases your wisdom and discernment through taking solid steps.

  4. @smith_drew – I hope you can have that conversation with your buddy too, and that some of the awkwardness will go away soon. Do you have things you want to do or say in this friendship, but feel you can’t?

  5. Wow, that’s really great to hear. I’m hoping and praying really hard that someday I can also have somebody to talk about this to face-to-face.

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