I had a crazy/stressful weekend.
My younger sister brought her boyfriend to my parents for the weekend, which is where I also spent Saturday and Sunday. Nice guy. But it’s her first ‘serious’ boyfriend and until now we’ve both been single. Don’t get me wrong; I was happy for her and the way they looked at each other when they spoke made me glad they found each other. But it did make me think some thoughts in my mind. There we were out at dinner on either side of me were my dad and mum together and my sister and her boyfriend together. By the end of the weekend I was wishing I had someone special too. But if I’m following this path of holiness from SSA and based on my progress to date it’s going to be a few years at least before I’m partnered or comfortable to be partnered or feel I’m a man who can make a good boyfriend. The weirdest things about coupledom make me ache for it; like when a man and a woman are grocery shopping. “Should we get five pink lady apples?” “How about we get royal gala this time.” “Okay, still want five.” “Yeah.” I want to discuss purchasing produce with someone. haha.
On Saturday night I had my same sex attraction support group I hadn’t been to in about two years. We have to sign confidentiality forms, so I can only talk about what happened in me. But it was kind of helpful. It always makes me so very, very nervous going to these SSA things. I don’t know why it should. I would say it’s not even a social nervousness as I know I could just not go and never see these people again. But to begin with my heart was racing, my words were jumbled and my mind was going out of it. It says to me that in dealing with SSA I still have deeper issues that come up at times like these. Hopefully when I have counseling I’ll be able to work some of them out.
Then on Sunday I preached at my parent’s church to their average congregation of 15 or so for about half an hour. It’s my first time in about two years, after I had difficulties fighting sin and following God and thought I shouldn’t do it for a while. It was great to be back. Though it was a weight on me, the responsibility and so forth in the days leading up to the talk. I didn’t feel too nervous and did pretty well I think. I’m looking forward to doing more. It was on James 4:13-17 with a bit about the sovereignty of God as background. People said they liked it…but they would, haha.