I FEEL like I haven’t masturbated in 9 days. Not sleeping great, kind of apathetic, see my type of guy and want to start hugging him on the spot etc. And I remember why I’ve never gained consistent victory over this problem before.
I probably started masturbating when I was 11 or 12; didn’t even know what it was until an awkward lesson from my dad as he washed the dishes and I dried: ‘when you rub yourself…’ I can’t remember what else he said, but I’m sure it was equally embarrassing. Since I was about 15; I’ve been trying, seriously, to stop. People say it’s not outlawed in the bible, but I know for myself it is unhelpful and when I do it it is related to sin 99.9% of the time.
In 2006 I didn’t masturbate for 50 days, a couple of times. And probably only did it 30 out of 200 days or something in that period of my life. Then in 2007 and the first half of this year I was doing it pretty consistently and now I’m like; ‘I have to stop this’. It scares me that I’m like a 23-year-old who still needs his security wank before he goes to sleep, or so I can go to sleep. It definitely isn’t helpful for my Christian walk either.
So 9 days later here I am feeling withdrawal. I don’t know if anyone goes through this stuff when they stop? Like having a restless kind of sleep, feeling kind of monotonous and dull, saying stupid things to other people and creating long emotional needs meeting scenarios in your mind with a guy you just met? Argh. It’s like my alcohol; I need it to loosen up and live. At the same time lustful thoughts, as opposed to emotional desiring thoughts, haven’t been a problem.
Even though I think all these issues are coming to the surface because I’m not masturbating, it’s not like I’m really tempted to do that either. Once after I hadn’t done it for a while I almost forced myself to do it and then I created the need again and it was hard to stop. As of now I kind of have the opinion that masturbation is something that I just need to stop and then deal with the issues later. Though obviously I can stop masturbation through willpower or with and through the glory of God; hopefully I’m doing okay with the balance this time around.
I have a mate who can’t say masturbation; like he won’t, will not say the word masturbation. I don’t know what it is; shame, worried he’ll giggle. It’s kind of weird. But I think this is an important issue and something I need to beat, both to show I am mature and to become mature.
Btw I really like what Mark Driscoll says in porn again Christian about being manly men and that type of thinking is probably one of the biggest encouragements spurring me on.