ONE of the interesting things for me lately has been thinking about some of the things I wanted when I was in my teens at high school, particularly in relation to same sex attraction and all that. My number one wish in those days was a really close male friend who also struggled that I could be 100 per cent honest with, who would understand me and would want me as a friend. (Okay, what I really wanted was a lover minus physical stuff, but I was pretty deluded in those days.)
I would pray to God for this male to come into my life or for someone who I felt something for to become that person. I was totally sincere in my prayer as well. Basically I was asking God to give me someone who I would be in a way too close intense emotional non-sexual relationship. He’s good and he never answered the prayer. I laugh at myself now; asking God for the very thing that would harm me. And I’m thankful he had made me realise the wrongness of my prayer.
Recently I found out someone I knew in those days also dealt with similar stuff. And there were a lot of questions that came with this knowledge, because there I was praying for a person and nearby was actually someone who may have been going through the same kind of issues. It was kind of unsettling. I wasn’t like ‘why God?’ more ‘this is interesting God, what were you up to?’ I don’t mind if i’m not given answers to those questions, but they’re there.
It’s becoming almost a pattern that I am in close physical proximity, for a while, to people who deal with gender issues, but I don’t find out that they were until after I don’t see them anymore. It kind of weirds me out; so close yet so far. There’s praise at moments like these, because I see God has been protecting me.
I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about all this and playing what if with my past. It’s been and gone and there is only the future. But the past shaped me or didn’t shape me, and now i’m here; looking back thankful and questioning.