I made it to about 17 masturbation free days in the end. Now the battle is restarting and I’m facing teh hard yard of getting past the first few days and into the easier parts of the struggle.
It’s been kind of a crazy week emotionally though. It always amazes me when I stop doing some kind of sin, in this case masturbation, how many other sins I realise I am guilty of: self pity, pride, self righteousness, lust. Basically all the hard to defeat stuff. I guess it shows I need to not really on my own strength to fight sin, but on Jesus’s blood and righteousness. That’s where forgiveness is and restoration. I need to think about it more as it only passed my mind this afternoon.
The other thing is I’ve felt kind of desperate for male love. I’m not someone who usually has a conscious desire for touch or deep talks. But this week my desires have been way more then they usually are. I see a guy around my age on the street or the cleaner in the office and I want to just walk right up to him and have a good hug. I don’t remember feeling this way in ages. It’s not a sexual desire. I know I should be thinking of what these desires say about where I am at, but nothing’s coming to me.
Today for a story on a Christmas lunch a couple of churches organise for lonely people, I had to go and meet one of the attendees to interview him and take a photo. It was like something out of a movie. He was in this run down house in the middle of these paddocks with knee high grass and surrounded by hills. Basically no family, no one to spend Christmas lunch with. I almost wanted to cry and give him a big hug too. Few things scare me more about my same sex desires then the possibility one day that will be me.