Much, much more than a moment

“As happens sometimes, a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment [and then the moment was gone.]”
John Steinbeck

I’ve always struggled to feel connected to people and while I don’t think this was caused by my SSA. It has probably exacerbated it and made it more difficult to heal it.
On Friday I was with a few friends at a park in a town near where I went to high school and we were ‘attempting’ to play some soccer and just running around heaps crazy.
Someone got really puffed, so we went and lay under a tree and it was just an awesome moment.
Feeling connected, maybe the most connected I have ever felt, to these people I have done life with for 10 years and the wonderfulness of the green grass and the warm sun and the endorphins running through me due to all that exercise.
And joy rose up in my chest and I wanted to burst.

It was a reminder to me that even after a disappointing 2008, where I felt stuck and didn’t endure as per my last post, perhaps in some ways I am changing and improving and becoming less who I was and more who I’m becoming.
I’m not some fantasising, ashamed, lonely 15-year-old anymore. Not all the time anyway.

The moment goes and I’m back into life in my dull small town and the mind numbingness of golf reports.
Here comes the obsessive thought when I only had three and a half hours sleep last night. (I used the time to write 3500 words of my same sex attraction story until 3am when I thought maybe I would be able to sleep. Maybe I’ll post it sometime when I feel like really revealing myself.)
Or there is that little issue that shouldn’t be a big deal, but it feels like it and then it is.

“For you have not come to what may be touched, a blazing fire and darkness and gloom and a tempest and the sound of a trumpet and a voice whose words made the hearers beg that no further messages be spoken to them.
For they could not endure the order that was given, “If even a beast touches the mountain, it shall be stoned.”
Indeed, so terrifying was the sight that Moses said, “I tremble with fear.”
But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.”
Hebrews 12: 18-24.

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