It’s the details that get ya

SO maybe last week, or the week before, a guy walking down the street caught my attention. Maybe it was the purpose in his stride or the moderate amount of muscle. So I was looking and then my mind said, ‘not that much different to you’ and the deeper part of my mind said, ‘nah, not that much different’. And I didn’t want him anymore, because why want what you already have? Six months ago I’m not sure these thoughts would have been flying around my brain.

I’ve had three sessions of counseling in the past three months; I have another one next week. And this is the main thing I am getting out of it: the ability to think about my thinking, to question my assumptions and to work towards truer beliefs. Like we were doing this thing for social anxiety issues and the counsellor said there is an event that leads to a feeling or action and we have to dispute the beliefs that mean something leads to something else. I’ve been using it. The other week I was going to my SSA group and as usual I was nervous and I didn’t know what belief I was meant to be disputing. I was ‘why am I nervous?’ ‘what am I believing?’ ‘what is getting to me?’. Nothing really came and then I wasn’t that nervous anymore. The most common belief I seem to be disputing is the ‘there’s a risk I’ll stuff up here’ ‘people might see you’re not capable and in control’ ‘you might make a mistake’. I’m like some kind of closet perfectionist.

Other than that counselling is weird. The other month he, the Christian counsellor guy I found, said ‘did I mention I have two gay sons?’ ‘uh no, you didn’t’. Or he goes (paraphrase): ‘I think this century Christianity will embrace homosexuality like they did with women in the last’ ‘what am I doing here’.  As well after two sessions of counselling I always wonder what I’m doing there and the counsellor seems to as well. So we’ve stopped talking about SSA because I ran out of things to say and he doesn’t think half the things that are problems are actually problems. Just focusing on a few social anxiety issues and then I’ll be done.

Anyway I look at the guy on the street and I think ‘we could be brothers’. It seems I’m making progress and then a week later I have my biggest fall in six months. I can trace the fall: I was tired after taking photos and driving around for five hours, I was bored and those temptations weren’t going away with a simple ‘no’. Maybe it was deeper as well. There’s this little problem that afflicts me that I don’t feel lots of things at the surface. Sure I feel nerves and embarrassment, but deep pain and deep happiness seem to allude me. Sometimes if the event is powerful enough it makes it to my face or my eyes, but lots of the time events affect me below my consciousness. It makes it hard to do the belief dispute stuff and to deal with whatever is affecting me at any given moment.

What I’m getting at is that early last week my manager at the newspaper was in a tad of trouble with the top bosses and looked like he might be going byes byes soon. This man has been one of the big healing things in my life in the past six months. Two years ago, when he first arrived here in dairy land, I looked at him and I saw someone different to me. He seemed to be better, to be cooler and I couldn’t speak proper sentences around him and I was desperate for him to notice me and deal with me. So I acted like a two-year-old who wants attention. But then in July last year the office was rearranged and I was sitting near him instead of in the other room. So we would talk more about everyday incidents and it went from there. And now I don’t feel so nervous around him. I don’t feel he is so different to me. I wonder whether the news he might be going soon hit me hard beneath my consciousness, but I wasn’t feeling anything on top.

Falling and looking at porn has a way of making me numb and cold. After not doing it for ages I could notice the difference it made to my attitude and thinking. To be totally honest, and why not here in xangaworld, I kind of liked that numbness. I liked walking down the street and seeing a guy, not the aforementioned one, who last year had made me silly nervous when I passed him and then today…nothing much. It was just the numbness brought on by the weekend internet exploring binge. I know numbness is bad for me and caused by bad things. But it can make the day a bit easier when feeling hurts too much.

Someone, a young man, has been in my head and my thoughts for about half a year or so. It’s funny cause that’s right where part of me wants them to be and making my heart flutter. Argh, I’m dealing with it like a crazy 15-year-old. And everytime I try to deal with it with someone I know in person; it just doesn’t seem to get beyond ‘this is the problem…’ stage for whatever reason. So today I stand before you all and say ‘I’ve had enough’. I’m going to battle this infatuation and deny it oxygen so it dies a quick death. It annoys me that here I am six months later because imagine if three weeks into this infatuation I had have tried hard to kill it. Now it would be gone and it wouldn’t be much of a problem. This infatuation has been the dominant SSA problem of the past six months. (Yes, I know. A lot of blogs and I haven’t mentioned it). I feel like sometimes it has been helpful in weird ways, but it has to go. And so I must I. ’Til next time.


4 thoughts on “It’s the details that get ya

  1. I appreciate that you share what is on your heart…in a very conversational way. Thanks for your candor. God bless.

  2. Hey man,Thanks for sharing man.  I always appreciate it when you write.  Maybe it would help to talk about this six month thing you’ve been dealing with.  But maybe it won’t.  I trust your instincts man…drew

  3. Okay, call me judgmental if you like, but WTF?  You’re seeing a counselor who calls himself a Christian, but accepts homosexuality and has 2 gay sons?!?!?   I think I would turn the tables, and start counselling him!   Plus I’m not sure I would trust a man who produced not 1, but 2 gay sons.   How does this guys get you in touch with your emotions when his own sons can’t get enough emotional sustenance from him to come out straight???   Wow, dude, I thought I was laid back, but you are the guru of “chilled out”.   And you want to know the real secret of freedom from our  struggle?   I’ll tell you exactly what it is.   The difference between how you view your struggle and how I view mine is just this:   Go stand in front of a full grown tree.   Place your nose about an inch from the tree trunk.   Then walk about 5 yards back from the tree and look at the scene again.   How has your perspective changed?   What’s the difference between 1 inch away from the tree, and 5 yards away from the tree?    Freedom, healing, whatever term you are comfortable with, is a matter of how much distance or objectivity you get about your issues.   When you start looking at other guys and think, “Well, Chris old boy, that bloke’s not any different from you really.”  OR  “That bloke could be my own brother.”   Now you’re seeing things as they really are rather than through the narrow immature emotions which were largely formed before you were 5.   You are an adult, but are still being controlled by a child’s too close, too small, too inexperienced feelings.    Now you’re starting to look with the eyes of an adult…”Hey, these guys really aren’t any different from me.”   As opposed to the childish view, “I’m not like other boys; other boys don’t like me; I wish I could be like other boys, but I can’t be like other boys!!”   Instead of being kept under the control of the 1 inch thick emotional depth of a child, you need to start experiencing the world through the broader view of a man.   That means you take responsibility for what you think, believe, and do.   You, through the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit, force your childish, shallow, perspective to expand; to grow into the realistic broader view of a man.  It’s hard work, and change takes time, but it’s certainly been completely worth it.   Don’t get me wrong here, my friend.  I could easily go around lusting after “hot” guys, but because of my broader understanding of my issues, that isn’t appealing.   For me it would be kind of like going back to taking a baby’s bottle, rather than eating a steak, because meat can be hard to chew sometimes.    Life is one tough piece of meat to chew, and sometimes it’ll choke you, but we have to keep on chewing.   Does this make sense?          

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