THERE’S a shoe on my roof. Who knows when it was, presumably, thrown there. But it sits atop the spouting looking out to the driveway and the units at the back. I noticed it a while ago, but I’d forgotten and as the dried work shirts were collected from the clothesline again I thought ‘there’s a shoe on my roof.
Sometimes it feels like random shoes inhabit my mind; thinking patterns and beliefs that I accept and don’t question. Then one day something changes or happens and it’s as if the shoe had been dislodged months ago. But my mind was still thinking as if it was there and so I was living in a shoe infested reality. I won’t mention the shoe again…promise.
On February 23 my blog included a few sentences about a guy who I thought was suck in my head. For the next month any contemplations of him were shut down. Then to see if I still cared I played with a little fire as it were and to my surprise there was a low care level. It was as if my habit of thinking about him, and my interest in him, was actually only on the mind’s surface and there was no deep desire feeding it. Here was me getting down because it seemed like an intense infatuation like those ones of old was afflicting me when most of it was a fabrication of my mind. Deep down stuff has happened and changed, but my mind hadn’t caught up with this yet.
A couple of weeks later there was a girl mentioned on here. At the time my thoughts were, ‘she would be great, I’m not ready…maybe I’ll never be ready’. So I was talking about it with a mate on the drive back to the country from my SSA group and he said ‘go for it’. ‘what?’ ‘I say go for it’. What he said was given some consideration by myself and it turned out that deep down I wasn’t as unready as I thought. Where the idea of romance would have scared me, perhaps an inkling of excitement was uncovered and a slight feeling of capability as a man. Again my mind was saying to me one thing, but by digging under the surface with a little prompting it turned out that wasn’t the full story. There’s still things I need to sort out within myself before I’m ready to pursue a woman, but a little bit of hope is inside me that I could, and succeed.
A week after this at the same table as me for a wedding reception was a lovely lady. Honestly I did look at her and think ‘nice’ not just for physical attractiveness, but also the way she carried herself. Then through her constant looking at me it seemed she was interested in me too. And that was kind of exciting when not so long ago it would have been frustrating. As I said, I’m not ready, so I tried not to reciprocate interest and hopefully didn’t seem like a prick.
All this was a week, two weeks ago. There’s been some porn and unhelpful thinking since, but it was a nice reminder that I’m changing and being changed. Not who I was; closer to who I’m becoming.
I feel like I’m not conveying this very well. These were almost profound realizations for me that sometimes my mind misleads me and tells me that I haven’t changed when I have. It’s reminded me again how important it is to think about my thinking and to ensure what my mind is telling me is correct. To make sure my thoughts and actions aren’t just thinking patterns of old that haven’t been destroyed by a new reality.