I’M not jealous of all the people going to Exodus in Obamaland later this year as Australia will have its very own take on the concept come June. It will be a retreat-style weekend somewhere around Sydney with “upwards of 30” guys from around Australia and possibly a couple from New Zealand according to an initial email I received last week.
So do I go? Or do I not? I was planning on flying up there mid-year anyway to see a mate, so I was thinking of just including the retreat dates in that holiday and then I could decide later about whether I attend. It will be another deferred decision among many that fit into the “maybe I will make a choice tomorrow” category. I looked at flights last week and if I had have booked then it would only cost about $200 return, which is $128.86 in American dollars. Not too bad at all. So money will have nothing to do with my decision; I mean I spent a few hundred on counselling.
When I first got the invite my thought was ‘okay, I’ll most likely be there barring unforeseen circumstances,’ but now I’m more undecided. Last September I went to another same sex attraction retreat weekend in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne and overall I would say it was a good experience. My reflections straight afterwards, which I typed up for a forum as part of this group, were positive about it and well written – if I do say so myself. Even today, half a year later, I chew over the events of the weekend and what I learnt about myself and this issue. But it was weird as well. Not an unpleasant weird more an out of my depth kind of experience.
Do I ‘need’ to go? I’m not sure. I probably wouldn’t learn anything new from what was taught. But it would be an encouragement and a challenge. I would meet people I had never seen before and hear there stories and feel, again, like there was a brotherhood of fighters in this country. Do I ‘want’ to go? Yeah. It’s not going to cost much and its only three days. I think I would enjoy it and definitely the memories afterwards would be worth the effort. If it was a bad experience it would be a scratch not a scar. Flying for the first time in an aeroplane would be scary.
Change of topic. I met the girl. If I was straight I’m pretty sure it would have been instant love the moment, when we were discussing our favourite internet preachers, I said ‘I mainly listen to Matt Chandler’ and she said ‘the Village church.’ We then went to a bakery and she had a shepherd’s pie and I had an apple strudel and we chatted about life and theology. How awesome is it when you ask a chick what are her beliefs and she describes the gospel? I saw her on my way back from bike riding today and, yeah, she’s it. Chatty, happy, warm, friendly, intelligent and feminine. As a guy with high levels of same sex attraction I can see all this. From the look in her eyes I bet she’d be up for a date if I asked.
Dealing with SSA hurts in moments like this. ‘Cause there she is, And here I am feeling excited I met a cool person, but it’s mainly platonic. In the two weeks or so between talking to her I didn’t really think about her. Then I’m annoyed cause we could be good friends yet there is the issue it would no doubt go bad if she had feelings for me I couldn’t reciprocate. I know as well I should be seeking guy friends, because that is where real healing would happen. Yah yah yah.