Undecided; then the girl

I’M not jealous of all the people going to Exodus in Obamaland later this year as Australia will have its very own take on the concept come June. It will be a retreat-style weekend somewhere around Sydney with “upwards of 30” guys from around Australia and possibly a couple from New Zealand according to an initial email I received last week.

So do I go? Or do I not? I was planning on flying up there mid-year anyway to see a mate, so I was thinking of just including the retreat dates in that holiday and then I could decide later about whether I attend. It will be another deferred decision among many that fit into the “maybe I will make a choice tomorrow” category. I looked at flights last week and if I had have booked then it would only cost about $200 return, which is $128.86 in American dollars. Not too bad at all. So money will have nothing to do with my decision; I mean I spent a few hundred on counselling.

When I first got the invite my thought was ‘okay, I’ll most likely be there barring unforeseen circumstances,’ but now I’m more undecided. Last September I went to another same sex attraction retreat weekend in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne and overall I would say it was a good experience. My reflections straight afterwards, which I typed up for a forum as part of this group, were positive about it and well written – if I do say so myself. Even today, half a year later, I chew over the events of the weekend and what I learnt about myself and this issue. But it was weird as well. Not an unpleasant weird more an out of my depth kind of experience.

Do I ‘need’ to go? I’m not sure. I probably wouldn’t learn anything new from what was taught. But it would be an encouragement and a challenge. I would meet people I had never seen before and hear there stories and feel, again, like there was a brotherhood of fighters in this country. Do I ‘want’ to go? Yeah. It’s not going to cost much and its only three days. I think I would enjoy it and definitely the memories afterwards would be worth the effort. If it was a bad experience it would be a scratch not a scar. Flying for the first time in an aeroplane would be scary.

Change of topic. I met the girl. If I was straight I’m pretty sure it would have been instant love the moment, when we were discussing our favourite internet preachers, I said ‘I mainly listen to Matt Chandler’ and she said ‘the Village church.’ We then went to a bakery and she had a shepherd’s pie and I had an apple strudel and we chatted about life and theology. How awesome is it when you ask a chick what are her beliefs and she describes the gospel? I saw her on my way back from bike riding today and, yeah, she’s it. Chatty, happy, warm, friendly, intelligent and feminine. As a guy with high levels of same sex attraction I can see all this. From the look in her eyes I bet she’d be up for a date if I asked.

Dealing with SSA hurts in moments like this. ‘Cause there she is, And here I am feeling excited I met a cool person, but it’s mainly platonic. In the two weeks or so between talking to her I didn’t really think about her. Then I’m annoyed cause we could be good friends yet there is the issue it would no doubt go bad if she had feelings for me I couldn’t reciprocate. I know as well I should be seeking guy friends, because that is where real healing would happen. Yah yah yah.  

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5 thoughts on “Undecided; then the girl

  1. “Obamaland”…haha, made me laugh.Know what else made me laugh? The conversion rate you gave between Australian and US dollars. Haha, haha, haha. Reminds me of when I was in the UK and absolutely everything was so ridiculously expensive for me because of our cruddy dollar.But anyway, I’ll keep you in prayer regarding that “Australian Exodus” opportunity. And I definitely feel you on your girl situation…It’s not happened often or anything in my life, but there’s definitely been a couple times where I kinda/sorta felt a girl might be into me but I just didn’t know how to respond to it. Kinda a disheartening feeling, I know.

  2. I hear you on the girl thing as well.  If I dwell on it…it gets to me and I get jealous of guys that wouldn’t hesitate to be with her.  I hear ya. 

  3. Just build the relationship and see where it goes!!!

  4. Chris this was a great post

  5. @Sean – Thanks mate. You are a great writer!

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