WENT bike riding with the girl again on Saturday. She’s a great person. Afterwards the stupid things or repetitive comments I made bugged me. Don’t really feel anything beyond companionable agreeableness, but am keeping in mind what Lonnie commented about giving it time. I’m wondering though when does it become ‘leading someone on?’ if I pull out at a later stage. I have a history of chicks getting upset as I must have appeared to lead them on. Like the time a chick looked grumpy and sad after I dropped her home after a movie (there was obviously more to it then that, haha) Or the time another chick was embarrassed (after I told her about my SSA) because people had previously been joking about us being together and she stopped answering my emails. Or the time I was at a park and a chick said ‘how come you don’t have a girlfriend?’ ‘cause I like guys’ ‘isn’t that wrong by God?’ ‘it’s complicated’ then she stopped being interested in me full stop. So I’m wary of it. Though these were all years ago and for the past three I’ve made sure to (almost) never spend time alone with one girl if it could be a problem.
I’m wondering if a teenager I see semi-regularly has SSA. I’ve known him for ages and definitely in the last couple of months there have been plenty of signs that weren’t there before. If someone in their 20s was acting like him I would be ‘yep, 90 per cent probability’. It even makes me wonder if he realises how he appears; maybe he still has to put a name to a desire. From what of I know of his personal background it’s a whitewash as I could make the argument either way. Personalitywise: sensitive – probably, desire to be right – yes, introspective – most likely not. Other people have made jokes about him being gay, so they must have noticed something. I read my journal when I was that age and would have loved for someone to come alongside me and help me deal with this problem. But short of him telling me, the only pathway for me to find out if he is SSA would be to make an effort to say stuff like ‘do you have a girlfriend?’ and watch his reaction. I don’t know; I’m tempted to not push it as it seems like hard work and danger (as in if trying to find out he might misinterpret my interest, if I spend time with him others would think it weird as I never have before or if I try to get him to tell his parents I would be exposed).
Feeling a tad overwhelmed at the moment. As an introvert I usually try to space activities out, but somehow I’ve managed to arrange a full weekend ahead. Then there’s a six day country journalists conference at a conference centre two hours away next week. Then have to clean my house (over three weeks) and move to a new place with new person I don’t know very well (for one week), then two week holiday in New South Wales with same sex attraction retreat up there as well. The journalist conference is my biggest anxiety, so that will be over soon. I’m someone who doesn’t enjoy having too many uncertainties disturbing my mind all at once. Each forthcoming event by itself should be quite enjoyable and manageable, but juggling them all at once is tiring.