Passing on the street

I’VE started this post a couple of times now, but after so long not writing here didn’t know where to begin and got distracted.

So, yeah, where to start. Hmmmm.

So last Thursday. (It’s been 10 minutes since I wrote those three words; this is going to take a while) So, last Thursday. Last Thursday at lunchtime I went for a walk with the girl. It was amazing. She was happy; I was happy. We had a great conversation and I thought this is going to go somewhere. If I could capture that half hour and bottle it people would pay big money for it. I walked back into the office with a sense of a man who’d been successful in life and love. I visioned joyful things.

And then. And then it was about 3.45pm and I had to leave work to take a picture of a swimmer at a beach town about 25 minutes away. So I grabbed a camera and my stuff to take home and walked out of the office and around the corner with car keys in my hand. And walked about 10m and there he was. (This is going really badly; I’ve written 187 words in an hour and a half). And I was nervous as hell and my face fell almost by itself. And then it was as if a pleasant lunchtime walk meant nothing as thoughts of this guy bombarded me for the rest of the night.

Rewind almost three weeks. I saw this guy about seven times in two weeks after not seeing him for a couple of months. I’d found him attractive before for some reason and about four months ago he had been serving at the supermarket check-out and I’d desperately, irrationally wanted to go through his aisle. So, yeah, he was in my head and I wasn’t really fighting it as the first pleasure of infatuation was appealing. But when you’re walking down the street and your stomach jumps because you’ve sighted his dark hair you know something’s gone awry. It annoyed me because I was okay with the infatuation as it was a person I don’t see often and it seemed quite minor.

So yeah. I wanted to want the girl more than him too, but I didn’t.

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6 thoughts on “Passing on the street

  1. I hear you.  Man…I totally hear you.  I wish I couldn’t identify with this post but I do.  I’ll pray for you man.  I loved how you said how good you felt after talking with the girl and what that half hour looked like when you captured it and bottled it.  That’s important.  When this happens to me I try not to beat myself up and celebrate the good that happened.  Because much good happened here. 

  2. I agree with Drew. Don’t beat yourself up over this. We all feel like this (myself included more than I’d like, haha). Just don’t isolate yourself due to the feelings. We’re young men with sex-drives… it’s easy to get critical of ourselves, but just remember that even single guys who don’t struggle with this go through those same feelings. They have to control it too and can’t act out on every whim. Just know you’re not alone. I had a similar experience just recently actually and am really working at making sure I’m not dwelling on it.

  3. Chris, ditto to the two other comments.  Even when married, the thoughts don’t go away as much as I’d like them to, but the power diminishes if you don’t pursue the thoughts.  Nothing like being out to a nice dinner with your wife and getting a hot server or a guy at another table that is riveting to look at.  It becomes a discipline to train your mind and your heart and your eyes to not focus on the guy.  You may continue to notice attractive guys, but it’s when you turn it into an oppportunity to lust that it becomes problematic, and it builds if you take that image home with you and continue to lust and indugle in self-pleasure over it.  Pray for any guy that catches your attention, and tell yourself he’s not supposed to be an object of lust.

  4. oh, chris!  don’t beat yourself up so much, bro!  i mean, do you really expect to never feel that titillating, heart-pumping, gaze-drawing feeling towards guys again?  allow yourself to be a human being, my friend.  i mean, i am engaged to another guy, which does NOT mean i’m not attracted to yet other men!  but i have to recognize that there’s no thrill in lusting over a hot body, or fantasizing about some romp in the hay, when i’ve got some real love and care right at home.  you’re going to be attracted to men . . . and that’s ok.  it’s what you do w/ that attraction that really counts.dj

  5. i continue to be so moved by your honesty, Chris – i really don’t know what to say – my hope was to come here and find some words of wisdom from Lon – something i could learn from – i just read the story of another sub – a young lady coming out to her parents – this has in come with that – they give me a greater sense of empathy w/ folks who have an ssa – normally i am of the camp that would seek to ‘love the sinner- hate the sin’ but seeing these stories told so heartfelt-edly – make me want to question …tag me if you come here, Lon?And bless you for your courage, Chris

  6. Thanks for sharing this. I’ve had the same struggle myself…spending quality time with a girl I’m interested in, then I get tempted in some way and all of a sudden it seems to go to waste. 

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