PART 2: Passing on the street

Thanks brothers for your empathy and sympathy and suggestions following my last post. As I had to go to bed I didn’t end up writing all the things I wanted to on that topic, so here goes the rest.

God has felt so distant lately. I can’t get into prayer or bible reading. I can barely get excited when I listen to Matt Chandler teaching like the pro he is. I haven’t really mentioned this to anyone much ’cause I’m the first to say ‘you can’t trust your feelings.’ But he does feel distant even though I know he isn’t. At the same time I’m apathetic about Him being distant. I’m not running around crazily going ‘come back, come back’ or reading the Bible or praying or worshiping to find Him. He’s just not near and I’m acting like that’s okay.
Also I got up to about 110 days masturbation free and then at the start of August things went awry for a while on that front. So I guess this guy was filling a hole. On one hand my feelings of distance from God were creating a vacuum in my heart and then I was teaching myself to sexualize guys through masturbation and then I see this guy a few times and he goes into that place in my heart that wants to feel something.

So. Following the passing on the street event of my last blog this guy was in my thoughts and I guess I thought that this highlighted my idolatry. If Christ was truly my treasure a near-stranger on the street isn’t going to rock my world. So I see my sin; the problem is I enjoy my sin. It’s so exciting to wonder if a guy is gay and interested in me. And, yeah, there was this time when he served me in the supermarket and looked at me expectantly, or we were in the same shop and he kept looking in my direction or when we passed on the street he looked at me expectantly again and I saw this as I pretended not to look at him.

So I say, “Chris, if he is gay; what’s going to happen?”
“Nothing, you might talk some and set boundaries and then when you knew him you wouldn’t want him anymore.”
“That doesn’t sound very exciting.”
“Exactly, if you had what you thought you wanted you wouldn’t want it, so you shouldn’t want it so desperately when you don’t have it.” 
“Well, actually self, I’m one step ahead of you. I don’t look at him when he looks at me just in case we ended up sharing words via eye contact and I had ‘what I wanted’ and my fantasizing was ruined.”
“You’re being an idiot. You whine about not wanting to want him while all actions say that’s exactly what you want. Come on you can’t have it both ways.”
“Fine, I’m convicted what should I do?”
“Call it sin. Then own your sin. Talk about it with a couple of people. Renew your mind out of fantasizing. Don’t go to the supermarket every night to see if he is there, so you can look at him while you look like you’re not. Don’t avoid him. Know that there is brokenness, as well as sin, in you that makes you want him so bad. Own your brokenness. Go to God with the sin and brokenness; He’s for you and He knows.”

So I’ve done those things off and on over the past week or so and you know what? The curse of the infatuation is breaking down a bit. It’s still there, but less desperate and therefore more reasonable. Part of me is a bit upset at this though; it wants the excitement only illicit desires can bring.

Lately, the past five weekends, I’ve been taking photos of soccer on Sunday afternoons. It gives me a reason to leave the house after church and is really enjoyable. So the problem with this guy basically started four weeks ago when he was playing in a game I was photographing. Today I was up to his team again and part of me didn’t want to go, because I didn’t want to see him and part of me wanted to go because I did want to see him. I went and I felt fine doing that because if he wasn’t a factor I definitely would have gone. But I was pretty nervous driving into the sports ground and waiting for the match to start and seeing the warm up.

A few thoughts. Just from watching what he says and how he acts on the soccer field if I knew him, well I definitely wouldn’t be infatuated with him, haha. Intense individual. I wasn’t tempted to look at him unreasonably and this showed it was a mild interest when he is actually right in front of me. The problem is when I’m alone with my thoughts. It’s kind of funny the person who he is, isn’t whom I actually like. It’s a created person in my mind who I attach to his body and a few of the things he does.

Anyway it seems he is going traveling somewhere for a while. So this little problem will dissolve itself naturally in due course. God is too good to me sometimes. A lot in this past year.

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4 thoughts on “PART 2: Passing on the street

  1. God’s too good to all of us many times . Hope you can continue to deal with this stuff in positive ways.

  2. I wish we could remember the struggle of learning to walk.   One of the main reasons we don’t is because trial and failure are as natural as breathing.   We can’t remember the struggle, for the same reason we don’t ever have a memory of “just” breathing.   It is later that we’re taught the lie that struggling isn’t natural.   Another great lie is that life is supposed to be “easy”, and if you struggle and fail, you’re not doing it right.   You are struggling and failing…perfectly natural.   Do what you did when you were a baby….fall over, laugh or maybe cry a little if it hurt, but then GET UP!!    You know why the baby gets back up, when it falls?    The baby gets up because A) it is focused on where it wants to go, and/or B) mum or dad, make light of the fall, pick baby up, then smile, cheer the child on, and wait with open expectant arms.    The self talk you share with us in your post is absolutely right.   You’re doing what you need to be doing, saying the things you need to say, and taking responsibility for what you are responsible.   Good for you!!   NOW, GET UP, AND START WALKING TOWARD GOD AGAIN!!!   And what about this distance you feel from God??   Has it never crossed your mind that God isn’t too distant from you at all.   You are His baby, and He’s waiting for you to struggle on toward Him.   He’s not far, He’s waiting for you with open arms, cheering you on, saying, from a short distance away, “Come on Chris, Come on son, get up, brush it off.”…”Now, Chris don’t stand there crying over your fall…I’m just over here son!”…Chris stop looking at yourself, you’re not badly hurt, get your eyes on Me, and move toward Me!!   Can you hear Him Chris?…I can hear Him calling out to you,  “CHRIS. FOCUS ON ME. NOT YOUR FAILURE!”   Listen Chris God is calling you to walk toward Him, “Come on Chris, get your focus on where you’re going, son.”  “I the LORD your God am where you are going Chris!”    Can you hear Him Chris?   He’s not far, God has just moved a little way off, so you have space to struggle toward Him.   As you walk, toward Him, filled with His Holy Spirit, your walking will balance, your spiritual legs will grow strong, you will learn to focus on your goal, forgetting what is behind you.   It’s hard to see the goal through the tears and frustration of failure, but because you can’t see through your tearful feelings and frustrating circumstances, doesn’t change the truth, that God is there right in front of you.  The eyes of faith are always focused on God.   Feelings don’t bog you down, because faith isn’t focused on what we feel, but rather on God.  Fix your eyes, focus your strength, and walk toward the God who is there in front of you.You’re doing very well Chris!!   God knows where you are, and He’s there in front of you…waiting…  Blessings,Lonnie        

  3. Loved reading your last post and then this one as well. Loved that closing line…”God is too good to me sometimes.” Indeed He is, indeed He is.

  4. That’s very smart. I’ve done this too, and it’s true, we create this bubble boy in our head and we push these character traits or attributes onto the physically attractive body to make the complete package, but the only raw materials we’re really working with are our eyes and our overactive imaginations. Thanks for the comments.

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