IT’S been three months. I don’t have a good excuse for the time between my last post and today. Life just happened and here I am with some free time on a Saturday afternoon.
I’m in a relationship…with a girl. The lady I mentioned a few times last year in posts. It’s almost been three months now. I’m still collecting my thoughts over the whole, continuing, experience. It’s been positive; it’s been hard and it’s been teaching me things. SSA’s major affect is that I’m not infatuated with her as I would be if I was straight. This is noticeable when sometimes I like my space more than I would if I was on an emotional rollercoaster and with something simple like holding hands I don’t initiate it, because I don’t want it desperately and that creates a bit of an issue for her. It also unbalances the relationships because she is ‘really in’ to me and I am ‘in’ to her. That’s not to say I’m not attracted to her physically or emotionally or intellectually, because I am. Just I imagine it’s more like 10 years into a relationship rather than 100 days.
I could see myself marrying her in the future; having kids and working out our sanctification with fear and trembling together. The idea delights and scares me. And in the midst of that SSA isn’t really a factor as I don’t feel like running off with some guy or looking at porn while she bathes the kids. When I do look at porn it bores me. I feel like a man and it’s like I’m watching someone I can be do stuff rather than watching someone I want to be do stuff. The difference is critical and a reminder that I’m not who I was.
In two months time it’s likely I’ll have returned to university. I think I’m going to become a high school teacher. I need to do a few extra subjects so I can qualify to become an English teacher (more employable). Then next year I’ll hopefully do a one year course and then in 2012 classroom here I come. My search for jobs in the communications industry (journalist, marketing, public relations and communications) wasn’t going anywhere. A job I really wanted in the Department of Transport dealing with a new train line attracted 200, TWO HUNDRED, applicants, so there are lots of people looking for these jobs. So I decided why not change careers? Covering schools for the paper has made me think I would like to work in one and I do have natural teaching skills (in speech more than writing). More importantly I can be in a career where I’ll earn more money and have some structure to advance higher.
At one stage I was a little bit too into my potential new career path and used it to find fulfillment and worth. ‘Oh look I’m not a loser in a country town, earning crap money; I’m going somewhere, whoo’. Then that wore off and now I still want to be a teacher; but with more realism. Tomorrow I’m going to see an old friend who became a secondary teacher a couple of years ago and bombard her with questions.
Speaking of teaching I’ve finally found a good way to serve in my church after being there for a year and a half. I teach the primary school aged kids in Sunday school. There’s about 20 of them and it runs on a format of someone leads songs, another does a skit, I do the teaching and then another does the activity. The feedback I have got has been crazy good. It helps to have a well written program, but I’d like to think I bring something to the role. I did consider teaching primary (elementary) kids, but I don’t think I could hack them 30 hours a week and with about 90 per cent female teachers it would probably be unhealthy for an SSA guy like me.
I’m not sure where I am with God. I guess I’m on borderland. Not going anywhere very fast. Not really seeking Him hard. Maybe borderland is the wrong word; maybe I’m in the desert. I guess the problem with this desert is that instead of running around screaming God where are you? I’ve accepted it and tried to find fulfillment elsewhere. I know it has to change and it already is.
Last weekend I saw Sy Rogers at a conference in suburban Melbourne. Wow. Such an impressive communicator and good practical content too. Realism and flair.