Sometimes you do live to see it

IT’S been three months. I don’t have a good excuse for the time between my last post and today. Life just happened and here I am with some free time on a Saturday afternoon.

I’m in a relationship…with a girl. The lady I mentioned a few times last year in posts. It’s almost been three months now. I’m still collecting my thoughts over the whole, continuing, experience. It’s been positive; it’s been hard and it’s been teaching me things. SSA’s major affect is that I’m not infatuated with her as I would be if I was straight. This is noticeable when sometimes I like my space more than I would if I was on an emotional rollercoaster and with something simple like holding hands I don’t initiate it, because I don’t want it desperately and that creates a bit of an issue for her. It also unbalances the relationships because she is ‘really in’ to me and I am ‘in’ to her. That’s not to say I’m not attracted to her physically or emotionally or intellectually, because I am. Just I imagine it’s more like 10 years into a relationship rather than 100 days.

I could see myself marrying her in the future; having kids and working out our sanctification with fear and trembling together. The idea delights and scares me. And in the midst of that SSA isn’t really a factor as I don’t feel like running off with some guy or looking at porn while she bathes the kids. When I do look at porn it bores me. I feel like a man and it’s like I’m watching someone I can be do stuff rather than watching someone I want to be do stuff. The difference is critical and a reminder that I’m not who I was.

 

In two months time it’s likely I’ll have returned to university. I think I’m going to become a high school teacher. I need to do a few extra subjects so I can qualify to become an English teacher (more employable). Then next year I’ll hopefully do a one year course and then in 2012 classroom here I come. My search for jobs in the communications industry (journalist, marketing, public relations and communications) wasn’t going anywhere. A job I really wanted in the Department of Transport dealing with a new train line attracted 200, TWO HUNDRED, applicants, so there are lots of people looking for these jobs. So I decided why not change careers? Covering schools for the paper has made me think I would like to work in one and I do have natural teaching skills (in speech more than writing). More importantly I can be in a career where I’ll earn more money and have some structure to advance higher.

At one stage I was a little bit too into my potential new career path and used it to find fulfillment and worth. ‘Oh look I’m not a loser in a country town, earning crap money; I’m going somewhere, whoo’. Then that wore off and now I still want to be a teacher; but with more realism. Tomorrow I’m going to see an old friend who became a secondary teacher a couple of years ago and bombard her with questions.

Speaking of teaching I’ve finally found a good way to serve in my church after being there for a year and a half. I teach the primary school aged kids in Sunday school. There’s about 20 of them and it runs on a format of someone leads songs, another does a skit, I do the teaching and then another does the activity. The feedback I have got has been crazy good. It helps to have a well written program, but I’d like to think I bring something to the role. I did consider teaching primary (elementary) kids, but I don’t think I could hack them 30 hours a week and with about 90 per cent female teachers it would probably be unhealthy for an SSA guy like me.

I’m not sure where I am with God. I guess I’m on borderland. Not going anywhere very fast. Not really seeking Him hard. Maybe borderland is the wrong word; maybe I’m in the desert. I guess the problem with this desert is that instead of running around screaming God where are you? I’ve accepted it and tried to find fulfillment elsewhere. I know it has to change and it already is.

Last weekend I saw Sy Rogers at a conference in suburban Melbourne. Wow. Such an impressive communicator and good practical content too. Realism and flair.

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4 thoughts on “Sometimes you do live to see it

  1. Good for you!  take your time with the relationship.  It takes us time to build the most meaningful relationships.   Also you can initiate hand holding.  Even when you’re not feeling it, go ahead and do it anyway.   Feelings will follow.   Another thing that will help enormously is not looking at porn, and not looking at any other guy at all.  Do what I call “faces and feet”.   Look only at the faces and feet of other guys for a good six months.   You’ll find your desires really begin to change, and turn toward this lady of yours.   And of course pursue relationship with God, through prayer and the Bible.   Unlike most blokes we have to be very intentional about building a relationship with a woman.   We also need to learn to be the instigator; the first to reach for her hand, her arm, a kiss.   It takes doing and doing for us to get there in our feelings, but it does really work.   For us, at first, it’s work.   Still we get the same payoff.  Now, when can we expect your next post?   Sometime around the beginning of 2011?   

  2. I love me some Sy Rogers!! He’s one of my personal favorites… I do whatever I can to see him when he’s in town! I also don’t know if you have to read so much in to your feelings for your lady friend. I think it’s easy for us to think that we are not responding correctly to females because all we are familiar with is our SSA. But the truth is we’re guys… and we react differently when it comes to romantic relationships and emotions and all of that than girls. Even if we are guys who are more sensitive and emotional than “typical straight” guys… it will still be different than most females. I don’t know if that helps any, but it’s just a thought.

  3. Dude…a teacher?!!! No way!!! That’s great man!!!!  As for the dating stuff, sounds very normal to me man (at least from my perspective)….

  4. Hey man,I’ve been where you are. Even if you think God is unhappy with you, pursue him with all your heart. So many times I pull away from him but I’m never satisfied with the things I replace him with. Not even a binge SSA spree.Fall on his mercy, tell him who you are (he already knows) and also tell him without his grace you are doomed. I depend on the Lord everyday. I’m not perfect. I need him for survival more than most. He’s the only father I have.Be encouraged.

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