It’s been a big few weeks.
Last night I drove to my parents’ place with my clothes, linen, computer and other accumulated possessions. It was moving time after three and a half years living in (town) and working on the local newspaper. A couple of hours earlier as I gave my rented room a good vacuum in preparation for my exit, I listened to political concession speeches like Australian Prime Minister John Howard in 2007 or John McCain in 2008, because it was the right moment to appreciate emotional losers stating profound things. My outlook on moving resembled a concession speech rather than a victory one: “The past three and a half years were a hard slog of becoming a man with many mistakes made. Tonight I am thankful for these years and those people who were part of them. I do not leave this (town) as I came, and will always remember the lessons taught in the shadow of these fine green hills”.
Living at my parents’ is to study three subjects over the internet, so next year I can work towards becoming a high school teacher. This move, with more time to study, write, ponder, speak, chat, seek Him and appreciate winter sun streaming in the window, will be good. I don’t like where my attitudes to life and God are heading and this is an opportunity to create some good patterns in a safe environment.
I’ve been restless for a couple of months. I know, let’s get a haircut. Hmmmm, maybe I’ll try some facial hair. A new jacket? Yes, please.
Nine days ago my girlfriend of six months and I broke up. We sat on a piece of water company infrastructure overlooking paddocks and powerlines as our relationship ended. It was mutual and necessary. Afterwards she gave me a packet of honey crusted salted peanuts and I walked home and cried real tears of “whoops, I’m a screw-up who screwed that up”.
When people asked why we broke up, I said there were differing expectations and abilities to provide and it wasn’t going to work into the future. That was kind of true as she wanted me to be more affectionate and engage in deep, long conversations about life. I said I’m not likely to change those things in upcoming months. Also she is committed to (town) for the next two and a half years and I have no idea where I’ll be in 2011/2012, so we were going to be in a holding pattern if we continued.
This was my first relationship. Ever. And I won’t be rushing into another one. By the end of it my deficiencies in desire, action and intensity were all too prevalent. I would like to say this is due to same sex attraction and on some level that is true. But I was also apathetic about the success of the relationship because it would get in the way of my selfish desires. I wonder whether straightness would have made it work, though part of me doubts that. Alternatively the SSA provided a scapegoat for what may have just been incompatibility issues.
She is truly an amazing person and I wish her all the best. I feel bad about it for her as well. Perhaps I should have ended it a couple of months earlier. Perhaps a lot of things. A relationship is unchartered waters for me and I learnt along the way.
There was good stuff being half of a couple. Cycling together, picnicking, going to cafes, swimming at the beach, lots of text messages, having someone who makes me a priority etc etc. As well there is an awareness of what needs to be right in me before I embark on another relationship.
By the way I say (town) because if I wrote the actual name within a couple of hours my newspaper colleagues would have a Google Alert pointing them to this here blog.