Desiring desperation

THE other day I was missing the times when I felt pain and frustration and sadness, and those things pushed me deeper into relationship with God. Into needing Him, because He was all I had. Like the night before I told my parents I deal with SSA when I was 20. But I don’t feel that now and haven’t for a while. I even had the thought, “I can’t wait until I’m teaching some bratty Year 9s in 2012 and I hate it and that makes me desperate again”. It was weird; I know.

I’m so blessed, but it feels like a curse. God; Check. Money; Check. Friends; Check. Family; check. Sleep; Check. Healthy; check. Good study marks; check. Etc, etc, etc.

So yeah, I think I’m struggling with apathy ’cause everything is just working for me right about now. And maybe the problem was that somewhere along the way I said to myself, ‘when you can tick every box of the major areas of your life; you’ll be comfortable and then you will be happy’. But instead I am comfortable and bored.

Some of it’s just temporary. Studying at home by myself via the internet isn’t very challenging compared to working with 15 other personalities and dealing with advertisers and interviewees. When I’m on-the-ground at a university and living somewhere else next year it will be different. But it worries me that when everything is going right this is what is at the core of me. I feel like a middle class douche who duded themselves.

As I’m writing this I’m chatting to a mate who is working towards opening an orphanage in Thailand. I mean how does someone wake up one day and go ‘I want to open a school for boys in a poor country.’ He’ll make it happen too. Or Australia has a federal election in three weeks and there is a 20-year-old guy who could win a seat in the House of Representatives. I’m wondering how the kid decided, and then worked towards becoming a politician. Today I spent about half an hour trying to kick a football properly. That’s about the height of my dreams, haha.

I gotta think about this some more…


3 thoughts on “Desiring desperation

  1. Welcome to adulthood!  You may not be feeling it, or seeing it, but there is a spiritual “ocean wave” with your name on it.   It will hit you when you’re not ready, from a direction you’re not expecting.    This is the time to build yourself up in Christ.   Study that Bible, and pray like there is no tomorrow.  Tomorrow is coming and you’ll want to be able to sink your oar in that wave and paddle like mad!!   You might try thanksgiving.  Give thanks for everything you’ve got, and all that’s going for you.   This often works for me, and I can begin to hear God’s voice again.   I can’t say it will work the same for you, but God will do something.

  2. Chris–I was just thinking today….I wonder where Chris is at in his life right now….we’ve chatted some and I guess it’s been more ssa related than everyday life stuff….this is an awesome glimpse into where you’re at with yourself these days.  I totally confirm what Such Were You was saying……that’s what hit my spirit instantly……equip yourself with the armor….the devil is bringing a battle to you….a battle to destroy you……root yourself in the word, in the assurance of the good news of the gospel, establish yourself in a stronghold and legacy of righteousness, prepare your message of hope…….don’t be complacent in your walk.  Listen for the whispers of your spirit that are calling you towards ‘carrying a glory’ that reflects His glory.As for an awareness of greatness or a dream to aspire to……it seems the audacious ones are close to our core….if we would only embrace them without regard to success…..if we would own them and fight for them….we would more fully become who we were called to be.  Each of us is called to step out of the box….to tackle something larger than ourselves….make time to listen to your heart and your desires……listen for that endeavor which requires that you gather all of your courage… towards those things that might back you down or restrain you….expand your borders… ….stanza 5 is close to my heart.  Draw near to Him that you might be ready when your season comes…..when the battle comes to you.  You were meant to rise….to shine for His glory… fear no man!…..thrive my friend.  You are His beloved.

  3. Ugh…that’s the dilemma…either have everything working for you and feeling almost ‘too’ comfortable, lazy/apathetic even, or just have things not working and causing misery. Ultimately, there’s always room to lean on God no matter the circumstance, “good” or “bad.” Without Him, life is nothing. Such a great reminder to seek Him consistently.

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