THE other day I was missing the times when I felt pain and frustration and sadness, and those things pushed me deeper into relationship with God. Into needing Him, because He was all I had. Like the night before I told my parents I deal with SSA when I was 20. But I don’t feel that now and haven’t for a while. I even had the thought, “I can’t wait until I’m teaching some bratty Year 9s in 2012 and I hate it and that makes me desperate again”. It was weird; I know.
I’m so blessed, but it feels like a curse. God; Check. Money; Check. Friends; Check. Family; check. Sleep; Check. Healthy; check. Good study marks; check. Etc, etc, etc.
So yeah, I think I’m struggling with apathy ’cause everything is just working for me right about now. And maybe the problem was that somewhere along the way I said to myself, ‘when you can tick every box of the major areas of your life; you’ll be comfortable and then you will be happy’. But instead I am comfortable and bored.
Some of it’s just temporary. Studying at home by myself via the internet isn’t very challenging compared to working with 15 other personalities and dealing with advertisers and interviewees. When I’m on-the-ground at a university and living somewhere else next year it will be different. But it worries me that when everything is going right this is what is at the core of me. I feel like a middle class douche who duded themselves.
As I’m writing this I’m chatting to a mate who is working towards opening an orphanage in Thailand. I mean how does someone wake up one day and go ‘I want to open a school for boys in a poor country.’ He’ll make it happen too. Or Australia has a federal election in three weeks and there is a 20-year-old guy who could win a seat in the House of Representatives. I’m wondering how the kid decided, and then worked towards becoming a politician. Today I spent about half an hour trying to kick a football properly. That’s about the height of my dreams, haha.
I gotta think about this some more…