I FEEL like I lack purpose, or more truly perhaps; I’m not seeking to live a life that gains purpose from God.
I feel like I’m scrounging around trying to find something that will satisfy me. I try to make it about friends, so I fill my days with people and activities and it’s great, and I love them, but there’s still an ache. So I decide what I’m really missing is a wife and attribute my loneliness and restlessness to the lack of a significant companion, and become bitter that marriage doesn’t feel like a possibility at the moment. Then I decide that if I go on another overseas holiday again it will make me happy and I will never be unsatisfied again, so I spend hours researching airfares and hotels. But don’t part with any cash because I know life isn’t found in being somewhere else. I consider buying a house cause that would be fun and adult-like
I don’t know. I feel like I’m 26 and I still have 60 years to go and the thought bores me. Sleep, shower, eat, work, relax, hang out repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I love teaching. But it doesn’t satisfy me. It doesn’t make all my problems disappear. It doesn’t make me happy.
I want to be alive. Really alive. I feel like I’m going through the motions. I know God and my purpose in Him and how I think about life is key, but I’m struggling to do it right. I want to run after God with abandon. I want my emotions to want to run after God with abandon.
I don’t usually feel like this. I hope it changes soon.