SOMETIMES I really wish I could have pure motives.
I was listening to a sermon yesterday and the preacher was talking about struggles during the first years of marriage and he said that the major problem was that he was trying to make his wife love him as he wanted to be loved. He was trying to make her act in certain ways so that he felt loved.
It resonated with me because I know I sometimes do the same thing.
I had a few friends over for a roast chicken dinner last night and then we played board games and I was questioning my motivation in doing that. Sure I hoped that they would enjoy the meal and company, but my motivations were multifaceted and I’m not sure whether the desire for their happiness was greater than my desire for my own. After dinner it seemed like I would have plenty of leftovers, which I was really excited about. Then one of my friends became hungry and suddenly I was worried about my beautiful plan of eating delicious leftovers. I wasn’t very concerned about their hunger or satisfaction.
Sometimes I’m aware my motivations are not as pure as they could be and I regulate my behaviour to make sure that no one knows this. Then I’m weighing up what I want, what I think they want and what I can do that makes me look loving, but does not impact on the outcome in my favour. Not that I consciously evaluate it using those labels, but it’s basically what’s happening.
I wish I had pure and good motivations for everything that I did. That I was truly seeking the best for others and their happiness and ultimate joy rather than being a mix of desires. And I’m not exactly sure how I get to that place or into the situation where my motives are becoming increasingly pure.