Can’t get him out of my head

I’ve got it bad for a boy (obviously actually a man, but boy sounds better, until I explain it, haha) Anyway, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It is embarrassing. But maybe someone out there has some idea how to move on.

Back in xanga days, circa mid-2011, I started chatting with this same sex attracted guy and we got on well and then we became accountability partners, which meant we were communicating quite frequently, and then we started skyping quite frequently and we became good friends. Nothing weird; just good friends. Somewhere along the way it became something else to me. I didn’t have a crush on him. I didn’t want to get physical with him. But I cared a little bit more than I should have.

As time went on, a year or so, he became busier and he also became somewhat accepting of same sex relationships, so both the amount and duration of our contact decreased. This left me disappointed as I really did enjoy communicating with him. I am not someone who often meets a person and we just click and then talk for hours in free flowing conversation, but this guy was someone with whom five hours skyping felt like no effort.

Another year on and we stopped speaking to each other, which was about a year and a half ago. While I did a couple of things that weren’t helpful to the friendship, I felt that ultimately the reason he ‘choose to withdraw’ himself from my life as he put it, was because our divergent views on the acceptability of same sex relationships meant that we couldn’t sustain our friendship. We did discuss our views and each of us shared our opinions but neither of us was rude or disrespectful. (As an aside it is interesting that while people who come to support same sex relationships are meant to be the ‘open minded ones’, in my experience they are more often the ones to end or decrease friendship when their beliefs shift.) Further, I felt like he was almost looking for reasons to stop talking as he would bring up conversations or things I had said a year or two earlier, which he seemed to have no problem with at the time, and criticise them.

In the final six months of our friendship, I felt that we would stop being friends at some point. One day he sent me an email where he pretended to have a boyfriend to test my reaction and also asked me questions that he knew I would answer and later he said he was doing it to ‘test me’. I realised at that point it was all over bar the shouting as doing that was not the action of someone who genuinely wants to find good in another.

I don’t want to make it sound like it was all his fault or anything. We both had the wrong attitudes and said things that we shouldn’t have along the way.

And so we stopped being friends. He defriended me on facebook and skype. It was sad and disappointing because, as I said I got on really well with him, but our friendship was obviously unsustainable although I did hope that we could stay connected on social media so I could see what was happening in his life.

So here’s the problem in the present day. Sometimes I still think about him and there is emotion there. Sometimes, if I’m not particularly busy, and I hold onto the thought of him, I can think about him, in a totally platonic way, for several minutes. And there is still emotion there and it feels like a hook is stuck in part of me that despite our non-communication has not been released.

It frustrates me. I don’t want to think about him at all. I don’t want to feel anything when I do think about him, but time so far has not removed the emotion. I think to myself ‘a year and a half should be enough to not care anymore; to not wonder how he is or what’s happening in his life’.

Does anyone out there have a solution to this? Is there something I need to do?

It makes me feel odd that I still think of him quite often. I have met (literally and via skype) many guys from xanga and other places who deal with SSA and have never had any problem with this kind of thing. If we skyped heaps that was great and if we stopped skyping as much that was cool and if we didn’t talk for six months, I would miss them but I might only wonder how they were once or twice in the whole time. Yet with this guy it’s totally different.

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3 thoughts on “Can’t get him out of my head

  1. Pray for him every time he crosses your mind. Deflect the thought; make it captive to God.

  2. I had a friend I felt similarly about once. He was not ssa but the closest friend I’ve ever had. I loved him. Not sexually but in a wonderful brotherly way. He betrayed and hurt me badly. It took time and distance for me to gain perspective. After many years I ran into him. But my reaction was only to hug him and say “how are you?” Meanwhile, he repeatedly apologized. I wasn’t angry and I no longer longed for the mirage that I thought was our friendship. We switched numbers and agreed. Tht if we didn’t keep in touch, that was ok too. I never called. Neither did he, and it really is , ok. Pray for your friend and your hurt. It’s ok that you miss him. You must have had a wonderful friendship.

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