Come so far

IT’S school holiday time again! Ah, the life of a high school teacher although it is much needed and I always feel like I am falling over the finish line.

Thanks for your thoughts and support on my last post. Since I wrote it, the guy has been pretty much out of my head. It’s nice to feel free from that. It’s crazy how just sharing some thoughts on the net and with people I know can be so healing. There must be a verse for that.

Life goes on otherwise. I love this time of the year. It’s warming up and my garden is coming back to life and people are in a good mood and I know my students quite well by this time and sometimes class is almost like hanging out with casual acquaintances. (Who of course then feel overly familiar and push a little too far and find out that I’m still a teacher, haha. Oh well.)

So to get to the title of my post…there is a 20-year-old or so guy at my church who I think could be gay. It’s an outside chance kind of thing. I wouldn’t be surprised either way, but I was trying to practise empathy and I was thinking about what it was like for me back then. It was probably around the hardest year of my life. And, I was wondering about what it would be like for this guy if he was gay and it was such a revelation of how much I have come as I had to actually think about it to try to access the memory of what it was like. Even then, it felt like I was thinking about something that is so far removed from my life. Change comes.

One thing I haven’t really improved on is love. To my shame my thoughts about this guy were more as if I was in a mystery/suspense drama thinking is he/isn’t he and not about what it would actually be like to be him and how I might be able to support him if he is gay and if I were to find out for sure.

For some reason in the past couple of years I became a lot more inward focused than I used to be. I don’t know why for sure. It’s something that hasn’t been good for me or the people around me and now I’m quite conscious of it; I’ll be trying to change that.

Come so far, but still so far to go in so many ways.