Why can’t I ever act normally around gay people?


I don’t even mean I act in a negative or compromising way; just weird.


A teacher man

IT’S been an interesting month.

I’ve just finished two and a half weeks non-stop student teaching at the all girls school, so most of this blog is about teaching and porn and girls.

About a week in I finally got good at teaching, or as good as I can be at this stage. I found some confidence and started speaking louder and clearer and felt like I was a kite flying through the air. It was a good feeling to know that I was capable of doing this. I’m not sure I will be a teacher for ever; there is an incredible amount of work involved with marking assignments and preparation that I think I might pass on long-term, but I think a couple of years will be great for my speaking and relating and thinking skills.

Something bad also happened in recent weeks. I had my worst run with porn ever in my 25 years. For maybe six nights in a row I looked at the stuff. Why? Well, I think it was a combination of being busy, but not busy enough at 9.45pm, and tired and drained and so on. I also think being at an allgirls school had something to do with it. It’s weird to spend most of my day with girls and women, and I think it was kind of draining. It’s definitely not something I’m used to. When I was walking down the street after school back to the train station sometimes I would be like a kid; ‘look there’s a guy’ and stare at him, because I hadn’t seen many for the past seven hours. Of course, I didn’t look like I was staring at him even though I was because I’m 25 and sophisticated with my use of peripheral vision. It’s funny I actually thought God was sending me to a girls school to reduce temptation (not in the sense I would be attracted to male students, but that it would remind me of my ‘deficiencies),but it increased temptation.

Now I’m wondering if my trip to an all girls school was to learn about females. I kind of did in an anecdotal; probably not backed up by scientific research way. For example girls would ask my opinion of their work when they actually didn’t want my opinion and had already decided what they wanted to do. Constantly. It was bizarre. Also I thought my sister was sometimes a not very nice and stubborn person because it was her personality,but perhaps it is because she is female. I guess I did appreciate some things about girls for example they are generally well behaved and keen to learn and will come and write on the whiteboard when I’m being lazy and are vulnerable and beam when praised. Girls are cool; but different.

This could probably be longer, but after getting up at6.30am every day this week I think I might head to bed.